i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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