3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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