I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
farters have to be the big spoon...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
