I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
