I wish my penis had an off switch
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
