How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
