I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
