one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
