I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
