yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
