We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
