do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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