Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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