they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
