oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
