Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
