Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
