This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
