I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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