there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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