I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
