Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize