Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
