Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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