just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
