you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
