woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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