I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
