i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Randomize
