Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
