I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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