You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
