At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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