The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
