Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize