Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
