it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
