I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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