I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
