i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
