Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
