first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
