Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize