he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
