tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
