I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You have to summon your inner elephant
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
