You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
