I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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