Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
