how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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