Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
