I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
