Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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