well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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