On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
