you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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