I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
