My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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