you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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