im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
