made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
