You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
