***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
